My hope was that I would be able to start writing this blog again from the anniversary of the first day of radiation last year (that would have been June 23rd) through to the last day of radiation (August 11th), to see what a difference a year makes. Well, much of like what I’ve planned this year, that didn’t work out. This is the year of making plans and not having them happen, or at least at the time I’ve wanted them to. This year has been exhausting and overwhelming for different reasons than last year, and for different reasons than I had thought.
Last year, I was uni-focused on finding the best doctor and treatment I could. Once I felt I did that, I focused completely on getting better. I felt physically awful, but mentally in charge to a great degree. This year, I have felt both physically awful, and in charge to almost no degree. This year is the year I felt I was supposed to be getting back on my feet, and to do that, I needed to find work that I would like doing, was able to do, and could do part-time (not so easy). This year was also the year that we had to sell our house; we bought our house five years ago based on both of us working, and only one of us has been working for the last two years. This is not the economy to sell a house. I really love this house, it makes me sad to leave it, especially given all that has gone on in the last couple of years, it’s seems important to me to have what feels a bit like a safe haven. We don’t want to move Rachel out of school, or Jon too far from the city where he works, so it just makes this puzzle that much more challenging. Anyone who has sold and bought a house at the same time knows what this is like…not easy, even under the best of circumstances.
Having all these things going on at the same time has been too much to handle at times. I have spent a career being a person who solves problems, who turns the no’s into yes’s, and yet I’m unable to solve these problems. This makes me question my strength and abilities at a time I need them most. It also makes me feel like a drain to my family. Last year I was undergoing radiation dreaming of how it would be when things weren’t upside down, but they are more upside down than ever. Not knowing when things will improve feels like running a marathon, but not knowing that the finish line is just a mile more up the hill, but instead it could be anywhere…this makes a difference when you’re running.
This year feels more lonely than last year. Not unlike when someone dies, and everyone comes to the grieving family’s immediate needs, but soon afterwards they get onto their lives, and the sad family is left to deal with their sadness; my situation was similar, in that last year during the time of crisis, many people helped me and my family to get through that time, but once that time had passed and I was supposed to be better, most of everyone went back to their own lives. This is the way of things, but difficult non-the-less because I still felt/feel like I could use the help…but unlike last year what I need this year is not as easy to figure out. Last year I needed a ride, or a babysitter, or someone to keep me company; this year is much more complicated.
I feel like I’m living in a Rubik’s cube, if I had one space in that cube I would have a bit of movement, but every space is filled, and all I can do is slide them around until I can figure out the puzzle. The combination of still not feeling that great, selling of the house, finding a job, and the rest of life’s normal challenges when you have a family in this economy is quite the puzzle. What a difference a year makes? Yes, but not for the reasons I thought it would be different. I will continue to blog for the rest of the summer.