Recently I’ve gotten several emails from friends saying that they’re reading the blog, and like the fact that I am bringing up “life questions”, but want to know how I’m really, really doing?
What is really, really going on is that I find myself questioning most things. My life took an upside down turn, and I’m working on turning it right side up. I’m not so sure what that is anymore. I know a few things-it is no bullshit that your health is everything, without it there is little possibility of igniting anything else. I am about to visit Mass General for the first time since my last radiation treatment in August, to see that there has been no tumor growth (this will be considered a positive outcome), and I’m nervous. I am relatively certain that everything will be fine, but I have had so many residual symptoms and ailments since then, that I’m not sure what are old ailments? What are new? What is tumor? What is radiation? These thoughts keep me on my edge of everything. I’ll be glad when this milestone has passed.
Last year was the year of fighting the fight. This year is the year of recovery. They have both been difficult for their own reasons. While I am mostly filled with questions these days, I am quite certain of a couple of things, I want to feel strong…all right stronger. When I do get back to working full-time, I want to do only the work that matters to me, and brings me a sense of accomplishment…not just a living…even if it’s a great living, it just isn’t worth it in the end.
This year of recovery has also been a year of discovery. I have lost and I have found things. I find that I have friends I didn’t know I had, I also have lost a few friends I thought I had. People deal with illness differently, and my life this last couple of years has shown me this very clearly. I find that while I always knew that I had fears of several things, being sick, being homeless, being dependent to name a few, none of my fears keep me from doing what I need to do.
I find I am living a lot in my head, since my energy level is not there yet-when this is your house, you find yourself asking a lot of questions. I am doing a lot of reading about of all things, The History of Wars-The Revolutionary War, The Civil War, World Wars…it goes on. I am watching documentary films all the time…if you haven’t seen the following films, you should, they are worth seeing…”My Flesh and Blood”, “No End In Sight”, “Touching the Void” and “The Long Way Home”. I’ve seen many others, but these are the ones I’ve liked most. I’m raising a puppy to be a good dog (he became a member of our family about three months ago and he is…active). I’m also dreaming. I’m trying to create a TV show that I think is very relevant to our depressed/depressing economic times. I am pursuing several documentary ideas that I’ve had for what seems like forever. I’m imagining living in a log cabin on lots of faraway property with my family and lots of animals. I’ve read often that you need to visualize things to help them happen. I’ve been visualizing for the last couple of years…it seems to be working, so I keep visualizing.
So how am I really? I am good and I am bad…depending on the day, depending on the moment. I’ve had days where I see nothing but possibility, and then I have days that I am so low, that I can’t see anything…I hope I see less of these kinds of days as I feel more healthy. So when will I feel more healthy? There go those questions again.